Roadblocks to Communication

“Listen with the ear of your heart.
”

— The Rule of Benedict

Put down messages—belittling, ridiculing, disapproving

• You shouldn’t feel that way
• You have some strange ideas
• You must be kidding

Comparing

When that happened to me I handled it by....

Judging, criticizing, blaming

• I can’t believe that
• You might not be having these problems now if you had...

Preaching, moralizing

• It’s for your own good
• There’s more fish in the sea

Diverting, avoiding, changing the subject

• Forget it
• That reminds me...

Rejecting

• Let’s not discuss that any longer
• I have to leave now, I can’t take this conversation

Challenging

• You couldn’t have done that
• You don’t really mean that

Defending

• That person has an excellent reputation
• But that doctor is very competent
   

Attending

“Giving your physical and psychological attention to another person in a communication situation.”

Components include:

Contact:

“Eye contact is one way of indicating interest in the other person, because the eyes are one of the key modes of communication. This does not mean that eye contact must be a fixed stare. If you are honestly interested and at ease, you will look naturally at the other person throughout the communication. Another element of contact is the distance between yourself and the other person. It is important to base this on the comfort level of the other person. some experimentation is usually necessary before two people discover the most comfortable distance between themselves.”

Gestures:

“A great deal is communicated by body movements. If you become fidgety, drum your fingers, cross your arms, or sneak glances at your watch while listening, you may be conveying an unintended message to the other person. The key is to only use gestures consistent with what is being communicated.”

Environment:

“The environment, or setting, should support the communication. A space which promotes privacy for undisturbed conversation is essential. Consider removing barriers between yourself and the person you are listening to (such as a large table that comes between you, a car door you might be leaning on, or a crowd that happens to surround you at the moment). If that is not possible, choose an alternate space or a more appropriate time to communicate.”

Interested Silence:

“A period of active, attentive silence serves as a gentle nudge to the other to move deeper into the conversation. It allows the other time to think and reflect and then comfortably proceed at his or her own pace. The speaker may pause and you, the listener, can attend without having to say anything. Giving the speaker time to experience and explore the feelings that churn up from within often enables him or her to explore their feelings at a deeper level. Silence is particularly useful in situations of loss or grief, such as the death of a loved one or a significant personal loss. Appropriate silence is useful in helping the other talk about a difficult problem.”

Information taken from here.

Reflective Listening

What is Reflective Listening?

3 Basic Levels of Reflective Listening:

Repeating or rephrasing—Listener repeats or substitutes synonyms or phrases; stays close to what the speaker has said.

Paraphrasing—Listener makes a major restatement in which the speaker’s meaning is inferred

Reflection of Feeling—Listener emphasizes emotional aspects of communication through feeling statements—deepest form of listening

Information from here.

Reflective Listening Skills

Acknowledgment Responses:

“Brief, one to three-word statements or nonverbal gestures. These responses demonstrate to the speaker that you are following the conversation. Such responses help the other know he or she is being listened to.”

Reflecting Content:

“Listening accurately to another person and reflecting the essence of the content to the other in your own words.”

Reflecting Feelings:

“Listening accurately to another person and reflecting the feeling component of the communication to the other in your own words.”

Reflecting Meanings (combining feelings and content):

“Listening accurately to another person and reflecting the essence of both the content and the feelings the other has expressed.”

Summarizing

“Listening accurately to another person and reflecting the main points of the other’s communication. Summarizing condenses all of what a person has said into two or three sentences.”

Active Listening

What is Active Listening?

Active listening is a structured form of listening and responding that focuses the attention on the speaker.

Benefits:

• Forces people to listen attentively to others
• Avoids misunderstandings, as people have to confirm that they do really understand what another person has said
• Tends to open people up, to get them to say more

Information from here.

Active Listening Skills

Attending:

A: Eye contact
B: Posture
C: Gesture

S.O.L.E.R. steps to attentive listening:

Squarely face the person
Open your posture
Lean towards the sender
Eye contact maintained
Relax while attending

Paraphrasing:

What is it: Restating a message, but usually with fewer words. Where possible try and get more to the point.

Purpose:

• To test your understanding of what you heard.
• To communicate that you are trying to understand what is being said. If you’re successful, paraphrasing indicates that you are following the speaker’s verbal explorations and that you’re beginning to understand the basic message.

When listening, consider asking yourself:

• What is the speaker’s basic thinking message?
• What is the person’s basic feeling message?

Examples:

Person 1: “I just don’t understand, one minute she tells me to do this, and the next minute to do that.”
Person 2: “She really confuses you.”

Person 1: “I really think he is a very nice guy. He’s so thoughtful, sensitive, and kind. He calls me a lot. He’s fun to go out with.”
Person 2: “You like him very much, then.”

Perception Checking

What is it: Request for verification of your perceptions.

Purpose:

• To give and receive feedback
• To check out your assumptions

Example:

“Let me see if I’ve got it straight. You said that you love your children and that they are very important to you. At the same time you can’t stand being with them. Is that what you are saying?”

Summarizing

What is it: Request for verification of your perceptions.

Purpose:

• To give and receive feedback
• To check out your assumptions

Examples:
“Let me see if I’ve got it straight. You said that you love your children and that they are very important to you. At the same time you can’t stand being with them. Is that what you are saying?”

Primary Empathy

What is it: Request for verification of your perceptions.

Purpose:

• To give and receive feedback
• To check out your assumptions

Examples:
“Let me see if I’ve got it straight. You said that you love your children and that they are very important to you. At the same time you can’t stand being with them. Is that what you are saying?”

Advanced Empathy

What is it: Reflection of content and feeling at a deeper level

Purpose:

• To try to get an understanding of what may be deeper feelings

Examples:

• “I get the sense that you are really angry about what was said, but I am wondering if you also feel a little hurt by it.”
• “You said that you feel more confident about contacting employers, but I wonder if you also still feel a bit scared.”

Information taken from here.